4.27.11
Wow. It's been a while! Unfortunately with my crazy work schedule (still working some at the hospital while I finish some things up), time for anything has become very limited. It seems as though Eddie and I have been on completely different schedules, so I'm looking forward to spending the weekend together and attending the wedding of some close friends of ours :)
Because I have been so busy, I feel like I haven't seen or spoken to very many people lately. I just wanted to give an update on what's been happening in our lives. Many of you know about the struggles Eddie and I have gone through over the past several years to have a child. We are both anxious to be parents and start a family. However, this has been both a painful and stressful time in our life. Over the past several years, we have gone through fertility testing, blood work, ultrasounds, and medicines, all while watching those around us conceive without difficulty. Let me just tell you, if you have never experienced infertility first hand, you have no idea what goes on. This has been the biggest emotional roller coaster that I would not wish upon anyone. It's as if the longer you go without conceiving, the more babies that suddenly appear around you, but not for your arms.
I feel like I am a pretty strong Christian and know God has a plan for my life, but the last few years my anger has built and built until it finally came crashing down. I couldn't understand why all I ever wanted in life was to be a mom but couldn't conceive, but the 16 year old in front of me at the Walmart check out had sex once and became pregnant (and in today's culture, this is EVERYWHERE). I couldn't (and still have a hard time) wrap my head around it. Children are supposed to be "blessings and gifts from God," so why haven't I been blessed? The darkness that Eddie and I have gone through have not only made us question our faith, but our relationship too.
One reason I'm finally speaking out about the pain and sadness we have gone through is to let others going through this know there are people out there who have too. My biggest pain in all of this is I feel like I have no one to turn to, no one who understands exactly what kind of pain I/we have gone through. I know this has been hard on Eddie, but it has been extremely hard on me since it's problems with my body. And no one understands.
The second reason is to tell you, we have been given hope. Eddie and I have decided to adopt internationally. While many of you may have heard us talk about this before, we had kind of put the idea on the backburner. We knew we wanted to adopt, just not right now. I wanted to have "one of my own" first and looked at adoption as the last resort. However, God has completely changed and opened my heart to this idea this week and I know He is leading us down this path. Let me tell you how God has spoken to me in the last few days:
1) Monday morning I received an email from an organization called Family Life about their radio program for the day. It was titled "Grappling with Infertility" and was a lead up to the Orphan Alliance Summit in Louisville, KY in May. Ironically enough, this was on the same morning of #2:
2) I had already planned to have lunch with a friend who has been through the adoption process to hear her story. So within about 3 hours, I listened to a radio program about the struggles of infertility and how God can lead you to adopt, then heard someone's own adoption story.
3)The next morning, someone on Twitter had posted my favorite scripture story in 1 Samuel - the story of Hannah who was infertile and begged God for a son (He eventually gave her Samuel). This story has been my hope through this whole process, that God would hear my prayer and give us a child.
4) The follow-up radio programs on Family Life on Tues. and Wed. mornings were the conclusion to the adoption discussion - how to open your heart to the idea of adoption and how to bring that child home to a loving family where they are not the "adopted child" but your child.
So, between the different ways God has been speaking to my heart this week, I feel it would be absolutely selfish of me to turn my back on God's plan and not pursue this. Eddie and I are ready to take this next step in life, and while we know it may be a long, complicated, and tiring process, the end goal is great. The thought of getting that phone call about who our future child is, and then getting on a plane to meet and receive our child just warms my heart.
It has taken me 3 years to get to this point. To move past the anger, bitterness, guilt and sadness to be open to God's plan for our family and know He has our best interest in mind.
So this is the beginning of the journey....it may be a wild ride, but it will be worth it. :)
Brittney
