The past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for Eddie and I. Most everyone knows we resumed fertility treatments in hopes of having a family. Not only does the medicine make me extra emotional, the entire process adds extra emotions. For years we have been given a "no" every single month. After a while, "no" is all you are accustomed to. You can't even picture what it would be like to see a "yes". While on fertility medicine, the first 2 weeks of every month are essentially a high - hopes that this month will be different. The last 2 weeks of the month are the longest 2 weeks of your life - the waiting. And in this time of waiting, the only thing that runs through your head is "no." Because that's what you've been told over and over. Why would this month be any different?
I'm in a week of waiting. This month in particular I have been overcome with extra anxiety. Normally I have a peace from God that He has full control over the situation and will bless us with a child in his timing. I don't have that this month (maybe I'm not seeking it hard enough). Instead I'm all nervous and feel like a weight's sitting on my chest.
Today, things were overwhelming, so I wrote the letter below to my future child. We don't know when or how we will meet him or her, but God does. Please pray for Eddie and I as we prepare ourselves to get an answer soon, even if it's another no.
Dear future child of mine,
From a very young age, I knew I wanted to be a mommy - your mommy. While all the other girls were planning their future college majors and careers, I was thinking about what your name would be and how to decorate the nursery. I met a wonderful man in college that I knew would be a perfect daddy for you, and we began dreaming of you together. We discussed how we would celebrate your first birthday party and where we would take our first family vacation. The vision for our lives revolved around you.
The road to bring you into this world has not been easy. In fact, it's been filled with a lot of heartache and sadness because it has taken so long to meet you, a lot longer than we thought it would. Mommy and daddy prayed for you for a long time before you were born. Friends and family prayed for you also and longed to meet you. But only God knew the exact moment when you would be given to us and we would become a family of three.
Sweet child of mine, how I longed to hear your first cry in this world, hold you in my arms, sing lullabies to you, and hold your sweet little hands. I dreamed of the day when I could set up a crib in your nursery, fold tiny baby clothes, and rock you as you fall asleep.
I will be there with you when you are happy and want to play, and when you are hurt and simply want your mommy to hold you. I'll teach you everything you need to know in life (except Spanish....daddy will have to teach you that). I'll attend every school play and dance recital and soccer game and Valentine's Day party at school. I'll be there with you as you move on to middle school for those awkward years we all have, through high school and the day you get your drivers license. I'll help you pack as you prepare to leave for college, but you have to promise me you will visit during every school break! And I'll be the one with the box of tissues at your wedding in the front row.
Child, there is nothing in this world that can separate my love from you, because I loved you before you were born. The many years we waited for you was a long time, but my love for you grew and grew exponentially each day. Your mommy and daddy will always be there for you. We love you SO much.
Mommy
