Para Los Ninos

There are so many new things going on in life right now. So much change, and I want to remember as much as I can. I've decided to write letters to my kids, my ninos. (I know the middle n is missing the Spanish tilde, but it's 10:30 and I'm running on 5 hours of sleep, and I can't find the special characters menu on my laptop...) I want to remember the little things, and I want them to know just how much they mean to me. So here's the first:

Ninos,

If only you knew how much of a whirlwind the last few months have been for mommy & daddy. New baby. Meme's death. New jobs. New city (moved to Northern KY). House not selling like we thought it would. It's so easy for my thoughts to creep to things that easily stress me out - finances/bills, chores, the fact that my family is 3 hours a way. I daily try to remind myself that you are only small once. I hold you in my arms and look at you while you sleep. And I thank God SO MUCH for my miracle babies.

Kaleb- You had so much fun on our visit to Henderson this last Memorial Day weekend. You played SO hard and wore Pappaw out! There was one point where you and Pappaw were out on the swing on his patio, and your dad and I were watching the 2 of you interact. You had a bowl of pretzels and kept sharing them with Pappaw. He would take them and you would both just laugh. The bond between the 2 of you is incredible. I think it's because you're smart, like Brandon was. You remind him a lot of Brandon. Pappaw told daddy how much he misses you since we've moved. It simply broke my heart. Nanny was cooking one morning and made the smoke detector go off again, and it scared you so hard you couldn't breathe through your crying. You're obsessed with smoke detectors, but freak out when they go off. I don't get it. But I love my smoke detector loving little boy.

I laid with you tonight as you went to bed. I took your hand in mine and just held it, and watched you fall asleep. You are almost 4 and I just can't believe it. You are intelligent and have a passion for learning. I love coming up with new things to tell you about every day. Last week I told you about bones and skeletons and you've been talking about them ever since. I'm so grateful to be your mama.

Emilia- You had a rough day today for your Aunt Brandi (or so she says...) but you were an angel for mommy tonight. I love the way your smile lights up a room. You've learned to laugh out loud, and tonight when I was putting on your PJs, I kept kissing your belly and neck just so I could hear that laugh and see your smile. It never gets old. You didn't want to go to sleep alone tonight, so I laid you on my bed and curled up next to you. I know it won't be long before you don't need me, so I'm soaking it up while I can.

Mommy is running on little sleep, so that's enough for tonight. I can't wait to love on you both tomorrow. Sweet dreams my little babies.

A psalm.

I recently had one of those days where something unexpected hits you - it just comes out of nowhere, like a wreck that happens because a car you didn't see was in your blind spot. It shakes you to your core, causes a level of anxiety that you hadn't felt in a while. Your bones shake, you can't compile your thoughts and the pressure on your chest feels suffocating. Ever have one of those days?

It's in those days that I usually look to the Psalms for answers. The word "Psalms" can literally be translated as songs, or praises. Most of the Psalms were written by David, a young shepherd turned King who eventually was on the run from his enemies, praying for his life to be spared daily.  The Psalms are honest, vulnerable accounts of exactly how David was feeling. Lines like "You, oh Lord, are a shield around me" and "Give me relief from my distress" are common lines in the 150-chapter book.

After the events of the day I described above, I wrote a Psalm of my own. It was in no way designed to be like a "song", but a cry from my heart to God of exactly how I was feeling. When I was finished writing, I felt strength, peace and God's presence. Is this how David felt after he wrote his psalms? Interesting how most of the psalms in the Bible, as well as my own, cry out to God, but by the end acknowledge His presence. The One who rescues always comes at just the right time.

God, please save me.
The waves crash over my head,
the ground beneath me is sinking.
I can't breathe, can't feel.

The pressure is suffocating.
The air in my lungs diminishing.
Rescue me, O Lord. 
Pull me out of this storm that has overtaken my soul.

My heart tells me you are there,
but I can't feel your presence.
Reach down & pull me out, Lord-
Set me on a new direction.
Give me strength to forsake what the world says 
and listen only to you.

Joy giver - restore my joy.
Great healer - heal my heart.
Bind together the pieces, for it has been shattered.

Lord, I trust in You. 
Your presence gives me warmth, wholeness, strength.
Your embrace so close, I can't deny you are there.
Thank you, Lord, for who you are and
what you call me to be.

 

 

Getting back in tune.

If you know me well enough, you know I love music. Classical music, worship music, pop, country, you name it. I've actually played 3 instruments in my life (can you guess which ones?) and sang in choir for several years. It's like therapy for me. I can feel the music deep into my bones and lyrics resonate in my heart. It's just a part of who I am.

The last 2 months have been, how do I say this.... stressful. (To say the least...) It's been an incredibly busy season at work, top that with moving houses, having only one car as ours was in the shop for 2 weeks, and being stuck in the house with a toddler because of all the ice and snow. Now one might think because you are stuck in the house with snow you could get stuff unpacked and put away at the new house. Wrong. Did you read in that paragraph I have a toddler?? My days and evenings consist of nothing more than making dinner and pushing cars back and forth in the hallway with Kaleb. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE IT. But the combination of all these things together has about made me jump onto the crazy train.

This morning on the way to work, I was listening to a new Hillsong worship CD Eddie bought me for Christmas. One of the lyrics jumped out at me. It said:

"Tune my heart to your beat. Where I walk, there you'll be."

Have you ever been at a concert or some kind of musical event where one instrument was out of tune or one person was off beat? It doesn't happen often, but when it does, everyone knows. It throws the whole ambience off. The feeling is different, and not in a good way.

That simple, yet profound line explained my whole life right now. Because I've been so busy, I'm completely out of tune with God and His plan for my life.  I've had tunnel vision, focusing only on my daily activities just trying to get by. And it's not working so well. Daily prayer and Bible reading time take a back seat in these seasons of life, but that's the last thing God wants. I once read that just like a tithe is giving God the first 10% of your income, you should also give him the first 10% of your day- spending time with Him first thing in the morning. Doing so will set a tone for your whole day.  I've already got my alarm clock set for 20 minutes earlier tomorrow so I can get back on track.

Lord, help me to refocus. Help me to tune my heart to your beat and give you the time you deserve.  Help me to realize you are the one who gives peace that surpasses all understanding. Lord, bring peace and rest to my heart.

(And for those that are still wondering, I've played piano, guitar and clarinet. I haven't mastered any of them, but I loved playing them :)

December Miracles

It was almost 2 years ago (Dec. 23 to be exact!) that a little pink plus sign changed my life. (I was in so much disbelief, I immediately drove to the store to get another test!) After trying to have a baby for almost 3 years, we were finally going to have a child. It was the first time I had ever felt like I had experienced a miracle.

And now, almost 2 years laters, we've experienced another December miracle. Kaleb had his second endoscopy today and things could not have gone more perfect. From the moment we walked in to the waiting room and were instantly called back, to the INCREDIBLE nurses we had today, to the IV that he didn't even move or cry for and was over so quickly, to the word we were longing to hear: remission. Kaleb's EoE is finally in remission, which is incredibly difficult to get to with this disease. We are still waiting for biopsy results to confirm, but his Dr. was confident.

While we were hoping to be able to discontinue use of the steroid treatment he's on, that's not an option for now. We were able to decrease it to once a day, but the Dr. said it plays a key part in his remission. However, we have learned that the medicine he's on is a topical steroid and doesn't stay in his system long, meaning it's a much safer type of steroid. She did want to discontinue use of his reflux medicine (which I'm a little nervous about…) because it has been proven to decrease bone density, and since he can't drink dairy, his calcium levels are so low anyway. We were also instructed to give him a calcium supplement daily.

He'll go back to the EoE clinic in 6 months to see his G.I. Dr, allergist, and dietitian. In 10 months, we'll discontinue use of the steroid treatment, and he'll have his next endoscopy in a year, as long as his symptoms don't return sooner. Such exciting news!!

So many people ask "Why don't miracles happen today?" They do. I've seen it. I've been a part of it. I've had a front row seat to 2 different December miracles. All you have to do is pray for it and believe it will happen.

"You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it." John 14:14

More Than Just Money

Why I Give To My Local Church

I grew up in the church. From as early as I can remember, those shiny gold offering plates with carpet inside them passed in front of me (followed by the weekly register to write your name!) and became a regular part of my Sunday morning. I saw my grandparents throw their offering envelope into that plate every week. My grandma would often give me a quarter or two to throw in, so I felt like I was a part of it too. As I grew older and started making money of my own, I occasionally threw my five bucks in, really feeling like I was doing something. We eventually switched to a church a little more modern where those gold plates were replaced by white buckets, and those weeks I threw a $20 bill in I felt pretty good about myself. I made sure to write my name on that envelope in big letters so there was no mistake it was mine.

I later joined the staff at my local church and heard the call to tithe and what that meant during a series on finances. Woah, they want 10%?? Are they crazy? If they knew how many bills I paid every month, they wouldn't dare expect 10%. So I continued throwing my $20 in, feeling like a good little Christian.

Then things changed. Life got messy and incredibly difficult. And the church was there.

When my husband and I were going through the hardest years of our marriage, the church was there.

When I was battling my 3rd (and most trying) year of infertility trying to have a child, the church and our life group was there.

When my son was experiencing all kinds of medical difficulties, resulting in huge financial struggles, the church was there with prayer and our life group was there with help.

And my thinking shifted. God doesn't just want me to give my tithe every week to keep up with the church building and help pay the staff. In reality, He doesn't need my money. He owns everything anyway. Instead, He wants me to give to the work being done in and outside of the walls of the church building to help change lives and change neighborhoods.

If you know me, you know we pay a huge amount of money every month (think mortgage payment...) to student loans. And we now have medical bills and incredibly expensive food we have to buy for my son that has severe food allergies. Giving 10% to my local church is hard. It really makes us have to budget and look at what we're spending money on. But since we have started tithing, we've never been without. We've never missed a payment, never not had enough food or been unable to pay medical bills. God just keeps providing.

If I can give back even a portion to the church to thank them for being there for me during the hardest years of my life so far, I will. I want to give to the work that the local church continues to do to change lives and be there for people, like it was for me.

Touch, scratch, poke, yuck.

Today was the long anticipated first appointment at the EE Clinic. Kaleb was diagnosed with Eosinophilic Esophagitis (EE) a little over a month ago. (You can read more on previous blogs.) Once a month, 3 specialists come together to treat kids who suffer from this disease. We first met with the allergist (who was different than the one he usually sees), then Dr. Aljabi (G.I. Specialist) and then a dietitian.

Dr McLaughlin (allergist) told us a lot about EE and food allergies and then had a comprehensive skin allergy test done. There were 5 different panels of foods, and Kaleb was not happy at all. They forced him to lie on his stomach for a really long time, and to be honest, was not kid-friendly at all like Dr White's office is. He had reactions to 2 new things, turkey and coconut. Which now brings our list of foods to avoid to:

Milk, egg, wheat, barley, rye, oats, chicken, turkey and coconut.

We then saw Dr Aljabi and Dr McLaughlin together. Dr Aljabi was very impressed with the almost 4 pounds Kaleb has gained!! However, she was really concerned about his skin color, and Dr McLaughlin concurred. This forced us to have lab work for a full CBC.

Lastly, we met with the dietitian, who basically didn't offer any other solutions and told me I was doing a good job of feeding him. I was really looking for different ideas of things to feed him, but she couldn't offer me any. In fact, I taught her several things about where to shop, new products on the market, etc! 

In the end, my main lesson for today was to be my child's advocate. Dr Aljabi wants another endoscopy done in January, but I informed her about how Deaconess told me his last one would be covered at 100% but then I got bills for $1500. She agreed to schedule it for Dec 20 so that all the bills would be covered this year since we've met the deductible. (Have I mentioned I really like her?!?) Hopefully if all goes well on the next endoscopy, we can stop the pulmicort steroids. 

I also made it a point that if Kaleb has another endoscopy he WILL have the versed medicine to calm him before the IV, which didn't happen last time. I told them how we were told there "just wasn't time" and they assured us it wouldn't happen again. Trust me, it won't. Not with this mama! I've learned to stand up for my child and fight for him and what's necessary and what's not.

I was talking with a friend last night about how we had prayed and prayed for a child for 3 years before getting pregnant with Kaleb, and how much of a miracle he truly is. I can honestly say at only 1 year old, he is my daily inspiration. Special needs and all, he knows how to light up a room and steal a heart within minutes. His tight grip hugs may be the sweetest thing I've ever experienced with a child. While I didn't ask for this situation or foresee it at all, I'll deal with the food avoidance and cooking special meals for him 3 times a day for as long as I have to for my miracle baby. Most days I feel like I don't have it altogether and feel a lot of stress and anxiety, but then Kaleb crawls over, sits in my lap and lays his head against my chest, and it's all worth it. Funny how God created children with the ability to soften hearts like that :)

Praying for today

As I've shared on this blog lately, things have been a little stressful at our house in the last few months. Between doctors appointments, testing, trying to come up with 3 meals a day for my child who can't eat much, crazy work schedules between Eddie and I, medical bills and just having a 14-month-old child in general, I've been a little edgy. I find myself angry, bitter, tired, worn out, flat out exhausted (just trying to get you to understand...), frustrated, and snappy.  Most days I realize that I'm being this way, but I don't know a way out of it. I feel like I'm in a never-ending cycle of no sleep and stress.

A few days ago, I hit a low. The situation seemed hopeless and all I could do was cry and pray. It was then that God spoke to me and told me something I felt like I should share. In the Lord's prayer, there's a line that says "give us this day our daily bread". That lead me to the story in Exodus 16 where God gave the Israelites what they needed - quail and manna, except God instructed they were to only collect what they needed for that day. The theme resonated with me. God provides for what we need today. Therefore, I'm going to ask him for what I need for today.

I started praying differently, asking God specifically for what I need today. Some days, it's patience and strength, other days it's just that my child would sleep through the night, today it's for some glimpse of hope that this situation is not eternal. Praying this way helps me to stay focused and not fall into the "forever" trap - that this is the way it's going to be forever and there's no way out. And you know what - since I've started praying this way, God has not disappointed. The last few nights, I've gone to bed with a thankful heart because I saw God work through what I had prayed for specifically for that day.

I challenge you - Pray to God specifically for what you need today. Let Him know what's on your heart and what you need help with today. You won't be disappointed.