A week of waiting

The past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for Eddie and I. Most everyone knows we resumed fertility treatments in hopes of having a family.  Not only does the medicine make me extra emotional, the entire process adds extra emotions.  For years we have been given a "no" every single month.  After a while, "no" is all you are accustomed to.  You can't even picture what it would be like to see a "yes".  While on fertility medicine, the first 2 weeks of every month are essentially a high - hopes that this month will be different.  The last 2 weeks of the month are the longest 2 weeks of your life - the waiting. And in this time of waiting, the only thing that runs through your head is "no." Because that's what you've been told over and over.  Why would this month be any different?

I'm in a week of waiting. This month in particular I have been overcome with extra anxiety.  Normally I have a peace from God that He has full control over the situation and will bless us with a child in his timing.  I don't have that this month (maybe I'm not seeking it hard enough).  Instead I'm all nervous and feel like a weight's sitting on my chest.

Today, things were overwhelming, so I wrote the letter below to my future child.  We don't know when or how we will meet him or her, but God does.   Please pray for Eddie and I as we prepare ourselves to get an answer soon, even if it's another no.


Dear future child of mine,

From a very young age, I knew I wanted to be a mommy - your mommy.  While all the other girls were planning their future college majors and careers, I was thinking about what your name would be and how to decorate the nursery.  I met a wonderful man in college that I knew would be a perfect daddy for you, and we began dreaming of you together.  We discussed how we would celebrate your first birthday party and where we would take our first family vacation.  The vision for our lives revolved around you.

The road to bring you into this world has not been easy.  In fact, it's been filled with a lot of heartache and sadness because it has taken so long to meet you, a lot longer than we thought it would.  Mommy and daddy prayed for you for a long time before you were born.  Friends and family prayed for you also and longed to meet you.  But only God knew the exact moment when you would be given to us and we would become a family of three.

Sweet child of mine, how I longed to hear your first cry in this world, hold you in my arms, sing lullabies to you, and hold your sweet little hands.  I dreamed of the day when I could set up a crib in your nursery, fold tiny baby clothes, and rock you as you fall asleep.

I will be there with you when you are happy and want to play, and when you are hurt and simply want your mommy to hold you.  I'll teach you everything you need to know in life (except Spanish....daddy will have to teach you that).  I'll attend every school play and dance recital and soccer game and Valentine's Day party at school.  I'll be there with you as you move on to middle school for those awkward years we all have, through high school and the day you get your drivers license.  I'll help you pack as you prepare to leave for college, but you have to promise me you will visit during every school break!  And I'll be the one with the box of tissues at your wedding in the front row.

Child, there is nothing in this world that can separate my love from you, because I loved you before you were born.  The many years we waited for you was a long time, but my love for you grew and grew exponentially each day.  Your mommy and daddy will always be there for you.  We love you SO much.

Mommy

Reckless Love

I was in high school when a good friend of mine told me something that has stuck with me since: every single person you are close to will fail you or let you down in some way in your life, but God never will. In high school, that didn't mean too much.  As an adult, I've learned it's definitely true.  This past Thanksgiving weekend should have been filled with love, laughs, and joy.  Instead, it was interrupted with let downs. What should have been fun, family time became filled with anger and bitterness.

On the way home from Louisville, I heard a song by Matt Hammitt called "All of Me".  The words say:

"You're gonna have all of me, You're gonna have all of me

'cause you're worth every falling tear, you're worth facing any fear.

 You're gonna know all my love even if it's not enough

 Enough to mend our broken hearts, but giving you all of me is where I'll start." 

It's funny how most of us are so ready to open and share our lives with other people.  We crave love from others.  It means a lot to us when others invest in us, and to those closest to us, we would share anything with.  But like my friend in high school says, people let you down.

How much more should we give to God, who never lets us down.  He strongly desires to have all of us, but instead we put our trust and hope in those close to us here on Earth  Then we get frustrated when we are let down.

There's another line in the song that says "so let me recklessly love you".
The definition of reckless states: utterly unconcerned about the consequences of some action; without caution.


How much does God desire that we recklessly love Him, giving ALL of us to Him?  Not just our finances, or a situation that seems unfair, or our family, but every single part of our being.

This is what I desire and am searching for this week in my personal quiet time.  How can I recklessly love Him,  giving Him control over my entire life?  Because I know the more I give to Him, the more He will reveal Himself to me.

Not My Understanding.

This past week has been a not so good week.  To keep it brief, several events occurred this week that went completely against the 3 big, audacious prayers Eddie and I have been praying the last couple of months.  Each of the 3 prayers. Not just one.  At one point, I seriously thought God was mocking us.  I was angry, confused, and disappointed.  I've recently been taught at church to keep knocking on the door with shameless persistence.  Let me just say, I've probably prayed more in the last 2 months than I have in years.  But this last week, it seemed like none of it mattered.

Yesterday, I was so overwhelmed, I opened my YouVersion bible app on my phone and went to the reading plans.  This was my first time doing so, so I didn't even know how it worked.  I found you can search for plans based on the topic, so I scrolled through a list.  Towards the very bottom, was a word that stuck out - trust.  At that moment, I had no trust. Everything seemed to be working against me and falling apart.  I needed to regain that.  So I started the 4 day plan.

The verses yesterday started to renew my hope in the Lord, but today something even more incredible happened.  The scripture for today was the exact same verse as the K-Love encouraging word, which I had just read seconds before.  Only this time, there was a second verse added:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.

Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take."

Proverbs 3:5-6

At the present moment, I simply can't understand how God is going to work in this situation, and I've questioned him on it.  While to me, everything looks like my prayers won't be answered, God has a bigger plan.  He sees the bigger picture that I can't see.  And though it's really hard right now, I'm trusting him for that.

Brittney

Today, I choose to be...

10.18.11

Over the last couple of years, the infertility journey that Eddie and I are on has taught us a number of things.  For one, we have learned a LOT of medical terminology. (almost more than our little brains can hold...don't worry, I won't subject you to any.)  Second, we have learned that those that have previously or currently struggle with this problem are the only ones that can ever understand the emotions that come with the journey.  Third, infertility = isolation.  Every single couple I have spoken with feels like they are on an island, alone.

For Eddie and I, the last several years haven't been easy.  Like other couples, we too have felt the isolation and the emotional roller coaster with each passing month.  It's easy for questions like "Is God punishing me or trying to teach me a lesson?" and "If children are blessings from God, why isn't he blessing me?" to rise to the surface.  We go from being angry, to sad, back to angry.

But today, something changed.  Let me share with you what I read this morning:

There's a story in John 9 about a man that has been blind his whole life.  When Jesus healed the man and gave him his sight, the disciples wanted to know whose "fault" it was that the man was blind- they were sure it had to have been him or his parents who had sinned.  Jesus states "Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." (John 9:3)

The article I read states: "God wasn't angry at the blind man; He wasn't waiting for the blind man's faith to grow.  He wanted to display His glory, and He handpicked the blind man for this very special mission."

It put it all into perspective for me. God handpicked Eddie and I to go through this so in the end He can display His glory.  What seemed to be a punishment turned into something much, much greater.

Today, I am choosing to be thankful for this journey we are on.

I am thankful that God has brought Eddie and I closer together spiritually than we ever were before.

I am thankful that I have developed new friendships where infertility is the common bond.  I may have never met several of these people otherwise.

I am thankful that when we are blessed with a child, the appreciation and thanks to God will never stop flowing from our lips.

I am thankful that I can relate to others who are experiencing this pain we have felt.

I am thankful that God handpicked us so He can show His glory through our story.


Today, in whatever situation you are in, choose to be thankful.


Brittney

Get in a group. Serve on a team.

8.30.11

My older brother was 2 years older than me, so when I was 3, he was 5. I remember as a 3-year old my brother's most commonly used phrase - "of course I was running." This was his answer when he would fall or trip or something would happen; he would run to my mom to tell her about it and always said "I was running....of course I was running..." This has become the common theme with my blog - when I run, I think and find things to write about. So here it is...

I was running (of course I was running). I took my usual route - south main towards downtown, back up south elm.  I had just ran up one of the biggest hills on the route and was about out of energy.  I slowed to a walk when I saw another big hill in front of me. I just couldn't run up it. My legs felt like they were about to give out...

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a girl sprint past me on the opposite side of the road. She looked to be about my age and about the same size.  I watched her for about 15 seconds, and it gave me the feeling of "if she can do it, you can do it." I looked at the hill in front of me and started to jog, steadying my pace with hers so we were almost running right next to one another.  Seeing her run the hill gave me the motivation to do it as well.

As I was in rhythm with this other runner, I started thinking about those people in my life that push me and motivate me like she did. About 90% of those people in my life are ones in my small group at church.  They are the ones I can call when I need to be challenged or encouraged. They were there through my mom's stroke, to helping us move (twice), to going on vacations together.  If you recall in the New Testament, even Jesus had a small group. He had 12 men that he "did life" with.  They were all there for him in the good times and bad, to motivate, challenge, and encourage.

This is why at One Life we push so hard to get in a group or serve on a team.  You weren't put here on Earth to go through life alone.  1 Thessalonians 5:11 - "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up..."  Hebrews 3:13 - "But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today..."  Hebrews 10:25 - "Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another..."  The Bible is full of examples!

If you aren't in a group or on a team, I encourage you to find one.  The people that you form relationships with will help you grow spiritually, speak truth into your life, energize and love you.  I can't imagine my life without the people in my life group. :)

A New Pair of Running Shoes

8.14.11

Over the past few weeks, I have put off something I usually enjoy doing - going for a walk or run in the late evening.  My reason for avoiding this activity was because my tennis shoes were getting worn out.  Each time I would go for a long walk in them, I would come home with my calves aching and blisters on my heels.  It was time for a new pair of shoes.

Today, I finally found a good pair.  As with anything new you get, I had to test them out. I put them on and laced them up, and grabbed my ipod for my evening run. I no sooner got to the end of the driveway when I realized my ipod was dead. Hmph. Alright, I guess God's wanting a little time with me alone.

As I began my run, I began to pray.  One thing I particularly wanted to talk to God about was my passion for reading the Bible. Let me just say, I lack passion in this department. I absolutely love to listen to podcasts of different pastors around the country and I could listen to worship music all day. But when it comes down to sitting with the Bible in my lap and reading, it doesn't happen as often as I would like.  I began to tell God about my desire for a passion to read the scriptures. Over the next 30 minutes, here is a brief summary of what God shared with me:

I was enjoying my new pair of running shoes. These shoes fit well, supported me, and gave me that strong foundation. They were my connection to the road.  A bad pair of shoes gives a bad connection between me and the road. These new shoes made an excellent connection and pushed me to run harder.

Just like my shoes are what connects me to the road, the Bible is what connects me to God.  A good relationship with God can only come when I spend time in His word. Spending time reading the Bible is what is going to give me that strong foundation in my relationship with God. It's what's going to challenge me and push me - just like my new shoes.

With that, I'm going to sign off and start reading. :)

Brittney

Dreamer or Dream Killer?

8.13.11

This past Thursday and Friday I had the opportunity to volunteer at the Global Leadership Summit, a 2-day event with many different pastors and business people all speaking on the topic of leadership.  When I wasn't running around preparing food or working the bookstore, I got to sit in and hear several of the messages.  They were not only inspiring, but challenging.  Most of the speakers challenged you to do something - to act. I remember one individual saying "You can't do something about everything, but you can do something about SOME THINGS."

Think about a dream you have had sometime in your life. Maybe it's a small dream or a short term goal, or maybe it's a huge dream that would require years of work and you may not even know where to start to see it come true.  If you have told anyone about your dream, you have probably gotten an opinion or response from that person - possibly even a negative response.

Until Friday, I would have told you I was probably the one to give the negative response.  I didn't see it as being negative, I saw it as being practical and realistic.  My husband is the dreamer in the family. He always has a big idea or dream about the future. And I was always the one to "pull him back to reality" and tell him why he wouldn't be able to pull it off. Basically I was the dream killer, that was, until Friday.

On Friday, I had a change in perspective.  On Friday I was listening to one of the speakers and just so happened to be sitting next to a good friend that is aware of my big dream to adopt internationally and be a mother some day. As the speaker was closing, this friend leaned over  and told me some words I'll never forget - "God's going to give you the desires of your heart. God is faithful, and he's going to bless you."  It was those encouraging words that told me I had love and support and I wasn't alone. That encouragement made me want to take the next step right then and there because I knew I had someone by my side. When you're supported, you're more likely to  ACT to achieve your goal.  The support can't be one sided - it can't be an "only if you succeed" support. It has to be an "I'll be here for you if you fail" support also.

So are you a dreamer, or a dream killer? If you're the 2nd, I challenge you to change your way of thinking. You're not helping anyone by "pulling them back down to Earth" (and I'm totally speaking to myself here also!) You may be stopping them from taking the next step to reaching their dream.

Dance the Dance.

Today has been a beautiful day - sunshine, warm, but not much humidity. After dinner, I just had to go for a walk to enjoy the wonderful weather. However, I wanted to walk quickly because my favorite show this summer, So You Think You Can Dance, is on TV tonight.  As I was walking, I had a thought I wanted to share.

If you've never seen this show before, it's an American Idol type show - dancers audition, then perform week to week and get voted off when they have the lowest votes (and in this show, the judge agrees they should leave).  What makes this show different than many I've seen is that the contestants CAN DANCE. I don't mean that they simply have the talent, I mean they have so much passion for what they are doing you can feel the emotion in your living room. When someone has so much passion for what they do, it inspires me.  Occasionally, the dancers may pick a style of dance they are completely uncomfortable with, or worst case scenario, they become injured during rehearsal and can't compete.  This doesn't happen often, but when it does, the dancer usually returns the following week and competes harder and with more passion and energy than they did before they were hurt.

I got to thinking that this is how it should be in our Christian life.  We need to find that area we're passionate about and give it everything we've got.  Dance the dance, don't just walk through the steps or go through the motions.  Whether that be hanging out with youth, serving in kids ministry, leading a small group Bible study, or helping clean the church for a worship service, go ALL in. Don't hold back. God gave you a specific passion and heart for something and wants you to use it to the fullest.  Like the dancers on the show, you may get hurt- you may be physically ill, having an "off" week, or dealing with something really tough in your life.  It's ok to take a step back sometimes to reevaluate your passion (to make sure it hasn't changed) but more importantly, to refocus on God and have him renew your spirit.  The important thing is when you return, you come back with more fire than you had before you left.

Dance the dance. Go all in. 

Mama always said...

Today I made a stop at a gas station to get a fountain drink. As I was coming out the door, a young girl about 17 or 18 was yelling very loudly at a guy that had walked out seconds before me. She was using profanity and hurling insults at him, even throwing her hands in the air. I then looked towards the guy who was sitting on the sidewalk completely silent, as if trying to ignore her.  I got in my car and drove away thinking “Wow, do people seriously have to use that kind of language? Why does someone think it’s ok to speak to anyone like that?” What did this girl accomplish by calling him out in public? Nothing but making herself look bad (and ruining any chances with this guy if the 2 had been dating…)

As I sit now and re-think the scenario, this guy definitely showed the maturity here- he accepted the insults and held his tongue.  It really made me think about how we communicate.

Mama always said “actions speak louder than words.”

In this scene at the gas station, the guy’s ability to stay silent and block out the comments showed me he was the bigger/better person.  (I have no idea what the 2 were arguing about, I’m simply looking at the principle.)

To take it to another level, if actions speak louder than words, what are we communicating to the One who gave us life and walks with us each step of the way? By turning your back when you feel like God has ignored you says you don’t fully trust Him. When you serve others, you are telling Him that his love is so important to you that you want to share it. Spending time in His word daily says you want to know more about Him. Communicating with God is not only about that prayer you say before your meal or as you go to bed each night. It’s about how you live on a daily basis.

What have your actions lately communicated to God? Is there anything that needs to change?

Baseball and Fire

For those that know me in the least, you know I'm married to a die hard St. Louis Cardinals fan. When we first got married, I knew nothing about the game. But Eddie has slowly taught me about previous players, different pitches, and stats. Tonight, I sit and watch the game but view it in a different way. Currently, St. Louis is behind in the game. As I hope for a comeback, I think back to previous games. Many times, all it takes is one play to ignite the players. One hit or one home run can be the motivation to make a comeback. Before you know it,  your team is coming from behind and the other players can't wait to get up to bat to have their chance at scoring too.

For me, this is how life is sometimes. Things are just "going" (kind of like baseball) - daily activities become routine and unfortunately things like a daily quiet time and prayer are pushed to the back burner.  But from somewhere comes that spark, some small piece of inspiration to make things more than just routine.  It's usually a song, message, or conversation with a friend that pushes me to look at my life and key in on the important things again. The last few weeks, I have listened to a message by Pastor Steven Furtick called "Sun Stand Still" about 3 or 4 times. (If you haven't heard it, click here. It may just change your life!) Currently, I'm on fire - like when your baseball team is only one run down with the bases loaded and no outs! My prayer is that I can get ahead in the game and not have a chance to lose that momentum. Always look/listen for things that help keep that flame burning. It's a lot easier to keep the fire going, then to re-ignite it if it burns out.

What is it in your life that gives you that spark; helps you to push forward and gives you momentum in life?

When Life Gets Tough

For those of you who know me, you know my faith is pretty important to me. I work for the church I currently attend, volunteer in Kids ministry, love worship music, and try to spend time in the word daily. My relationship with God is a huge part of my life.  I know in my heart He has control over everything, a plan for my life, and will guide me along that path He has set for me.  But I think for all of us that call ourselves Christians, we also have times in our lives when God seems farther away than other times. Like He's there, but more of an "out in space" kind of God watching over us, not that personal right-next-to-me God.  The last week or so,  I've really been struggling in my prayer life because it seems like God is far away. I lift up prayers, but does he really hear them?

Over the last month or 2, I've heard in several different ways "pray as if God has already answered your prayer," "give to God those big 'impossible' requests," and my favorite quote "If the size of your need seems too big for you, it is just the right size for God." It all seems so easy. Except it's not. Have you ever had something in front of you, something you prayed over and over again and it still hasn't been answered? I have a few of those in my life right now. Do you stop praying for it, accepting that it's just "not in God's plan for you"? Do you pray for it even harder? Do you change how you pray for it? I would really like some feedback here because I don't have the answer.

I was talking to a friend recently and he said something that has stuck with me ever since: All you need is a change in perspective.  As I again think about this statement, I feel like it applies here. I feel like God is far away this week, not listening to me. But is He? Absolutely not. Hebrews 13:8 states "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever." The same God that heard (and answered) the prayers of all those in the Old Testament is still the same God I pray to today. He's still there, still listening, still willing to help me and guide me. Does that make those big impossible prayers that seem like they are never heard easier to deal with? Absolutely not. But God's word promises me that He loves me and cares for me, and today I'm clinging to that hope.

Jeremiah 29:11

4.27.11

Wow. It's been a while! Unfortunately with my crazy work schedule (still working some at the hospital while I finish some things up), time for anything has become very limited. It seems as though Eddie and I have been on completely different schedules, so I'm looking forward to spending the weekend together and attending the wedding of some close friends of ours :)

Because I have been so busy, I feel like I haven't seen or spoken to very many people lately. I just wanted to give an update on what's been happening in our lives. Many of you know about the struggles Eddie and I have gone through over the past several years to have a child. We are both anxious to be parents and start a family. However, this has been both a painful and stressful time in our life. Over the past several years, we have gone through fertility testing, blood work, ultrasounds, and medicines, all while watching those around us conceive without difficulty. Let me just tell you, if you have never experienced infertility first hand, you have no idea what goes on. This has been the biggest emotional roller coaster that I would not wish upon anyone. It's as if the longer you go without conceiving, the more babies that suddenly appear around you, but not for your arms.

I feel like I am a pretty strong Christian and know God has a plan for my life, but the last few years my anger has built and built until it finally came crashing down. I couldn't understand why all I ever wanted in life was to be a mom but couldn't conceive, but the 16 year old in front of me at the Walmart check out had sex once and became pregnant (and in today's culture, this is EVERYWHERE). I couldn't (and still have a hard time) wrap my head around it. Children are supposed to be "blessings and gifts from God," so why haven't I been blessed? The darkness that Eddie and I have gone through have not only made us question our faith, but our relationship too.

One reason I'm finally speaking out about the pain and sadness we have gone through is to let others going through this know there are people out there who have too. My biggest pain in all of this is I feel like I have no one to turn to, no one who understands exactly what kind of pain I/we have gone through. I know this has been hard on Eddie, but it has been extremely hard on me since it's problems with my body. And no one understands.

The second reason is to tell you, we have been given hope. Eddie and I have decided to adopt internationally. While many of you may have heard us talk about this before, we had kind of put the idea on the backburner. We knew we wanted to adopt, just not right now. I wanted to have "one of my own" first and looked at adoption as the last resort. However, God has completely changed and opened my heart to this idea this week and I know He is leading us down this path. Let me tell you how God has spoken to me in the last few days:


1) Monday morning I received an email from an organization called Family Life about their radio program for the day. It was titled "Grappling with Infertility" and was a lead up to the Orphan Alliance Summit in Louisville, KY in May. Ironically enough, this was on the same morning of #2:


2) I had already planned to have lunch with a friend who has been through the adoption process to hear her story. So within about 3 hours, I listened to a radio program about the struggles of infertility and how God can lead you to adopt, then heard someone's own adoption story.


3)The next morning, someone on Twitter had posted my favorite scripture story in 1 Samuel - the story of Hannah who was infertile and begged God for a son (He eventually gave her Samuel). This story has been my hope through this whole process, that God would hear my prayer and give us a child.


4) The follow-up radio programs on Family Life on Tues. and Wed. mornings were the conclusion to the adoption discussion - how to open your heart to the idea of adoption and how to bring that child home to a loving family where they are not the "adopted child" but your child.


So, between the different ways God has been speaking to my heart this week, I feel it would be absolutely selfish of me to turn my back on God's plan and not pursue this. Eddie and I are ready to take this next step in life, and while we know it may be a long, complicated, and tiring process, the end goal is great. The thought of getting that phone call about who our future child is, and then getting on a plane to meet and receive our child just warms my heart.


It has taken me 3 years to get to this point. To move past the anger, bitterness, guilt and sadness to be open to God's plan for our family and know He has our best interest in mind.

So this is the beginning of the journey....it may be a wild ride, but it will be worth it. :)

Brittney

Silencio por favor.

On most normal days, I am easily distracted and always have to have some kind of noise in the background. I have K-Love or Pandora playing on my computer all day at work, I listen to the radio on the way home, turn the TV on as soon as I walk in the door, and don't usually turn it off until I go to bed. (Where I immediately turn on my sound machine to sleep!) If there's not noise around me, there's an uncomfortable silence.

But today is different. Today I am craving silence. It's almost like everything going on around me is multiplied x10 today and I can't even hear myself think. I would like nothing more than to go into a room by myself and sit in the silence for several hours. Have you ever had a day like this? Where you just crave alone time??

This is my prayer this evening (and my prayer for you also if you need it) - that He calms my heart and gives me peace and stillness; that He leads me to some "alone" time so I can study His word without interruptions.  Sometimes we need this time so we can refocus and be rejuvenated (and today I'm yearning for it!!). So I'm signing off for the night. Happy Valentine's Day! :)

-Brittney

The Story of Your Life.

For the most part, yesterday was a rough day for me. For some reason or another, I had a day where I questioned everything in my life. I know everyone goes through this, but I sincerely pictured myself as being a little older before this happened. I woke up yesterday morning earlier than usual and felt this cloud over my head. As I got ready to run some errands, flashbacks of the last several years ran through my mind - from college days, to getting married, to moving several times, living with my parents for a year while my mom recovered from a stroke, and so on and so on. All I could think about was the "what ifs" and "whys?" What if I hadn't gotten married? What if I didn't have the job I do now? Why was I called to leave my home church after 22 years? And the one that really gets me....Why can't my body physically have the one thing in life I most desire...a child? I had a visual glimpse of what my life would be like today if things had been different - maybe I would be working overseas in an orphanage in Central America, maybe I would be living with my parents saving money and traveling in my free time. I pictured my life in several different scenarios, wondering exactly what I would be doing.  Have you ever had a day like this? It was like a huge weight on my shoulders and made me question every decision I had ever made in my life. As I hung out with some friends' kids last night, I put all this aside and focused on the thought that maybe I was having an off day, and reminded myself everything is different in the morning. I always feel better in the morning.

And that's exactly what happened. Today is Sunday, and again I woke up earlier than usual. My husband is sick today, so I got up alone, got ready for church, and had some quiet time with God before heading to the 8:30 church service.  I prayed and prayed that at worship, God would show me exactly why I am where I am today and why I took the road I did. So He did. I was led to a place of worship this morning that my heart hasn't been to in a while. I sang the songs as true prayers to God, asking Him to lead my life and help me to give up control. At the service this morning, we watched a Dave Ramsey video about finances and how to be a generous giver. Towards the end, there was a story about a family who worked towards adoption and was blessed beyond measure financially so they could.  I cried as I sat back and God spoke to my heart - telling me again (in the past I've pushed the thought aside) that I was made to adopt. My heart breaks for these children and God put me in this place to whisper to me yet again that He has a plan for my life.

So to answer my questions from yesterday about why I am where I am today, God showed me. I'm married to my husband because he too has a special place in his heart for adoption. I have the job I do today because it has helped me become a more compassionate person and helped me to love those around me more, as well as make me appreciate everything I have. I can't physically have a child right now because God has bigger plans. I was called away from my home church I grew up in to go somewhere else, where I would gain support from friends who continually bless my life and challenge me in a way spiritually that I've never had before. A journal I bought yesterday has my favorite scripture on it, Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you....to give you a future and a hope." And that's exactly what He's doing.

A song I've heard a lot lately is called "The Story of Your Life" by Matthew West. The chorus says
"This is the story of your life, you decide how the rest is going to read."


So I've decided to run forward and not look back. I can't change what's in the past (nor would I want to - God has placed me where I am for a reason). I'm to keep my focus on Him, and know that where ever He leads me, I'm not alone. He holds the plans to my life and that's how I want it to stay.

-Brittney

No more excuses.

I was reading an article in a magazine today that spoke of the effects of the Haiti earthquake more than 1 year ago.  The article stated that out of the 10 billion dollars pledged after the earthquake for relief, only 1 billion was received (leaving the country in a state of devastation). The article doesn’t explain why the aid wasn’t received, so we can only speculate – was there red tap involved with the U.S. and Haiti governments, or did those who pledge not follow through on their giving?

 The thought of not following through really resonated with me today. How many times on a daily basis do we say we are going to do something, and not follow through? Whether it is work, home, or faith related, we get distracted and things get pushed to the back burner. In our fast-paced lifestyles, only what is needed now is completed. This especially speaks to me as I often put my faith with Christ on an as-needed basis. It seems like when things are going great, I don’t feel the need to pray as often, but when things are going bad, I keep my Bible out for hours.  My excuse: I’m too busy and don’t have time for it.  As I was thinking about this today, I kept going back to the picture of Jesus on the cross.  Did Jesus say, “I’m sorry, I can’t be crucified today because it doesn’t fit in my schedule?” or “I’m too busy, can we do this tomorrow?” Absolutely not. He gave up His life for us – the biggest sacrifice anyone can make. Yet we can’t spend 10 or 15 minutes alone with Him once a day (I’m speaking to myself here….)

 I don’t know about you, but I’m going home tonight to spend some time with my Creator.  We can’t continue to put things ahead of God in our lives. He must be first and foremost in all we do, then everything else will fall into place.

-Brittney

Seek and you will find...

This week I have been challenged by a friend to take a new outlook on life - to TRULY seek God's will for my life daily, and to pause and marvel at the beautiful things He has placed on this earth. Let me just say, you don't have to look hard to find God, and this week I am in awe of how he has shown up in so many situations. Let me just share a few:
1) Our church is currently on the topic of finances and how to budget and live so you can give more and gain financial stability.  Well, Eddie and I have really been struggling with just how much to give to the church.  We have questioned what is right vs. what we can truly afford (and still have money to pay bills.) This past Sunday, I put our normal offering in the bucket, but also felt compelled to give the last $5 I had in my purse. On Monday, I reached into my pants pocket and found a wadded up $20 bill.  It had only been hours earlier that morning Eddie and I were trying to figure out how we would have gas money for him to drive to Louisville for a work conference on Thursday. Problem solved. God showed up and blessed us and spoke to me saying He would always take care of me.

2) A few weeks ago a lady came into my office at work and told me her story of how she had been laid off after 17 years of work. I hear stories like this several times a day, but this one in particular touched my heart. I have been praying for her for 2 weeks now. At lunch on Tuesday, I brought her up casually in conversation, saying I had still been thinking about her and praying for her to find a job. I returned to my desk from lunch to find an email from a department manager saying she wanted to interview this woman for a position. Wow! The woman was so appreciative when I called her for an interview. This truly was the highlight of my week!

My point of these stories is that this week God has shown up and proved to me He's there. But as I think about it a little more, I'm reminded He's always there. I'm the one who "showed up" this week and took the time to look for Him. We all get so involved in our daily lives we forget that we have loving Father who very much desires that we seek Him.

So here's my challenge to you: look for God today. Seek Him with everything you have. Make your entire day focused on seeing his beauty and mighty acts. Trust me, you won't be disappointed.

Brief biography

Fact: I like to write. Fact: I think about A LOT of things (sometimes a little more than I should).  For these reasons, and several others, I have decided its time to put my thoughts on paper (or computer if you will) so over time I can reflect on life a little more. So that's what this is: a collection of my thoughts, dreams, prayers, and questions about this world and our awesome, Heavenly Father. I thought I would start with a mini bio about myself (and for those of you that know me pretty well, keep reading, I know you will find something you don't know.)

*Middle Name: Kay (named after my aunt, Katrina Kay.)
*I am 1 of 4 children. Brandon was the oldest (he passed away when I was 3 from heart problems), Me (23), Eric (21), and Brandi (19).  I didn't always get along with my younger siblings. Actually, until this past year we didn't have much in common. But that is all changing in a great way.
*I grew up in a pretty poor family and have learned to be so thankful for what I have. I don't want a lot or need a lot to be content.
*I have been married for 3 years to my husband Eddie, although still have never been to his home country, Colombia. (Hopefully that will change this year.) No children yet, but hope to have a big family. Which leads me to my next fact...
*I have a heart for adoption. Eddie and I both are excited at the thought of adopting oversees when God says the time is right.
*I took 4 years of Spanish, so even if I can't respond to a question, I know exactly what you are saying, so don't talk about me...
*Music is my life. I have taken piano and guitar lessons but haven't mastered either. I love to sing, but mainly when no one is around!
*Favorite food: Chips and salsa or anything spicy!
*Favorite soda: Addicted to diet coke.
*Favorite dessert/candy: I'm not picky. I eat just about anything that has sugar in it.
*My grandparents are a huge part of my life and without them I wouldn't be who I am today.
*I work in Human Resources, which I really enjoy. The downside: I think I have practically become immune to people's hardships because I hear so many on a daily basis. I'm working on changing my attitude about this.
*I was a nerd in school. I'm not exaggerating. It paid off when I went to college: 4 years of private school completely paid for.
*My major in college was Business, with an emphasis in HR, but I actually went to KWC to be a youth minister and graduated with a minor in Christian Ministries from Kentucky Wesleyan.
*By being married to Eddie, I have become a St. Louis Cardinals baseball fan over the past 3 years. Go Cards!
*Favorite music: Hillsong, Bethany Dillon, David Crowder Band, Britt Nicole, Chris Tomlin
*I am working on a daily basis to become more real with people. A good friend told me again tonight we aren't made to keep everything to ourselves. I am striving to be genuine and honest with those who love me so we can truly "do life together."

Ok, that was a little more than a "mini" bio, but it's what is important to me. I'm sure you will learn more as I keep this updated. Praying for warmth and safety for you all on this cold, snowy night.

-Brittney